(A cautionary tale in one act and too many phone calls)
CAST:
- Nina – A determined FNP student at Chamberlain University in Newark, New Jersey. Optimistic, caffeinated, and on the edge.
- Office Manager #1 – Short on time and shorter on patience.
- Office Manager #2 – Loves rules. Hates students.
- Rita – Nina’s well-meaning coworker.
- Dr. Botox – An NP with a syringe in one hand and vague promises in the other.
- Chamberlain Clinical Rep – A master of polite rejection emails.
- Preceptor Tree – A voice of reason and relief.
- Narrator – Because you need someone to tell you this is all too real.
Scene 1: “THE SPREADSHEET”
(Lights up on Nina at her kitchen table. It’s 11:47 PM. Her laptop glows. She scrolls through a spreadsheet titled “Possible New Jersey FNP Preceptors.” Row 34 is highlighted. Her phone is on speaker. It’s ringing.)
VOICEMAIL (cheerfully):
Thank you for calling Healthy Future Medical. We’re either with patients or ignoring you. Please leave a message and we’ll never call you back.
NINA:
Hi, my name is Nina Rodriguez and I’m an FNP student with Chamberlain University looking for a precept—
(BEEP)
Seriously?
(She marks Row 34: “No answer. Again.”)
Scene 2: “THE CLASSIC SHUTDOWN”
(She dials again. A grumpy Office Manager picks up.)
OFFICE MANAGER #1:
Yeah, this is GardenView Primary. What?
NINA:
Hi! I’m currently an FNP student at Chamberlain looking for a preceptor in New Jersey—
OFFICE MANAGER #1:
We don’t take students anymore. Everyone burned us. Good luck.
(Click.)
NINA (writing):
Row 35: Rejected with trauma flashback.
Scene 3: “THE FAVOR”
(At work the next day, Nina whispers to Rita while pretending to organize paperwork.)
NINA:
I’ve called 41 clinics, sent 62 emails. The only person who responded asked if I wanted to volunteer instead of get hours.
RITA:
Girl, ask my cousin Maria! She’s a nurse practitioner in Union City. She precepted someone like, five years ago.
NINA (eyes lighting up):
Rita. I will name my firstborn after you.
Scene 4: “THE DENIAL”
(Days later. Nina’s beaming. She has a signed agreement from Maria. Fireworks. Or at least celebratory iced coffee. Then: an email from Chamberlain.)
EMAIL:
Dear Nina, Unfortunately, this site does not meet our criteria for approved New Jersey FNP preceptors. The clinic lacks adequate primary care patient volume. Thank you for your understanding.
NINA (staring into the void):
I’m going to scream into a pillow.
Scene 5: “THE AESTHETIC DETOUR”
(Nina visits a posh clinic. All white marble. Mood lighting. Dr. Botox enters in designer scrubs.)
DR. BOTOX:
So I specialize in Botox, microneedling, body contouring, and the occasional cholesterol check.
NINA:
How occasional?
DR. BOTOX:
Like… three patients last year. But they were really stressed. That counts, right?
Scene 6: “THE FINAL NOPE”
(Back at her inbox. Another email from Chamberlain.)
EMAIL:
While we appreciate your resourcefulness, aesthetic-focused sites cannot be approved as valid New Jersey FNP preceptor locations for core clinical hours. We encourage you to seek a setting more aligned with primary care.
NINA (typing angrily):
Define “primary,” define “care,” define “encourage.”
Scene 7: “THE MIRACLE”
(It’s 2 AM. Nina googles: “New Jersey FNP preceptors who are not imaginary.” Up pops Preceptor Tree. A ray of light breaks through her apartment window.)
NINA:
Oh my god. A real service? For students? That doesn’t ghost me?
(She fills out a form. The next day, she gets a call. A kind voice answers.)
PRECEPTOR TREE:
Hi Nina! We work with preceptors across New Jersey, including primary care providers near Newark. Let’s get you matched up.
NINA (nearly weeping):
Are you real? Or a hallucination caused by clinical stress and too much instant ramen?
PRECEPTOR TREE (laughing):
Very real. Let’s take care of it.
EPILOGUE
(Six weeks later, Nina is in her first rotation. She’s doing blood pressure checks, diabetes education, and shadowing a provider who doesn’t do lip flips. She’s tired but grateful.)
NINA (writing in her journal):
Note to future students: don’t wait, don’t wish, and don’t Botox your clinical hours. If you’re looking for New Jersey FNP preceptors, start early—and if all else fails, use Preceptor Tree.
CURTAIN.
